I’ll Wear Shorts If I Want To- A rant

[Harri]

http://deadspin.com/5805887/ill-wear-sh ... mn-want-to

I laughed. A lot.

I enjoyed the age old rant of swamp ass, which my boy friend has 24/7.

Enjoyable quotes.

I live in Maryland and for the next four months it will be 50,000 fucking degrees outside, and it'll be so goddamn humid I'll have to wear flippers to swim through the air. It's HOT. It's fucking deathly hot already. They don't even have spring here anymore. There's winter, then it rains a for a couple weeks, and then the entire landscape turns into A FIERY PIT OF HOT LAVA. There are elephants basting themselves with rain puddle water down my block. It is hot as shit.

For NORMAL men, there are issues like swamp-ass that we have to deal with every day, and shorts help alleviate that problem. Not all the way. Sometimes you're sitting in your car and you can feel the sweat pooling up in your ass because your ass is trapped between your body and the scorching hot leather interior and God that's an awful moment.

Comment.

I'm going to be 100% honest...I had no idea men wearing shorts was a no-no. When did this happen, if someone could fill me in? Because I live in NW Ohio, where the summer gets so humid it feels like you're inside of a restaurant steamer on a daily basis.

I always thought the Twenty-Fourth Amendment exempted Ohio from all federal fashion laws.

Also. I've always said the Unfashionable state of Ohio instead of Ohio. XDXDXDXD Fuck I need a job.

[Failhorse]

Swamp ass, eh?

[Echoplex]

I'll either totally scrub it and wear gym shorts + a t shirt around or I'll wear jeans. Cargo shorts are for nubs

[Maringue]

I too live in DC and this man speaks the truth. We get about 2 1/2 weeks of spring when the weather is nice and the humidity is normal (gone already...) and then it's summer. You don't walk around DC in the summer, you have to make swimming motions or you don't get anywhere the air is so fucking thick.

Summer in DC sucks balls. It gets pretty hot (90s), but not nearly as hot as my home town Chicago where it often cracks 100 for a week or two on end. No, your enemy in DC is the humidity, which is ever-present and fucking oppressive. Like today. It's 92 today, which isn't so bad, but we've got this lovely 65-75% humidity which makes you pit out your shirt in about 4 seconds of light walking.

Also, in normal cities, things get more comfortable in the evening. Not in DC. Sure, the thermometer goes down some, but that just makes the relative humidity jump to around 90% by dinner time. I was sitting outside at a bar the other day and got a nice frosty glass of Yuengling. Before I had a chance to take a sip, there's enough water dripping off my glass to water the crops in the Sahara fucking desert.

And lastly, in normal cities when rain comes through it cools off some. Not in DC. When it rains, the sun comes back out and starts turning the place into a fucking steam room.

So yes, there are plenty of asshole metrosexuals around here who look at me like a dirtbag for wearing shorts and a t-shirt, but I just remember how funny they look in the winter freezing their asses off when it's 40 degrees outside.

[Toaster]

I had to google search "swamp ass", the following was the result:
A common condition in which the ass crack and crotch becomes overly moist, sweaty, and stinky from one or all of the following:
- sweating on a hot day
- not bathing enough
- long day of work, sports, play
- incomplete wipe due to rush or laziness

LOLWUT

[Maringue]

- incomplete wipe due to rush or laziness

LOLWUT

That's not swamp ass, that's monkey butt.

[Mad Anthony]

- long day of work, sports, play

That's not swamp ass, that's Swoop!

SWOOP

The anal sweat that usually results from a long, strenuous workout. It smells like poop, but lacks the color and consistency.

After finishing the 10k, my undershorts were laden with swoop.

[Harri]

- long day of work, sports, play

That's not swamp ass, that's Swoop!

SWOOP

The anal sweat that usually results from a long, strenuous workout. It smells like poop, but lacks the color and consistency.

After finishing the 10k, my undershorts were laden with swoop.

XDXDXDXD So scientific.

[HibiscusKazeneko]

I can totally sympathize.
I have hideous cellulite, but I wear shorts in the summer because it gets effing hot in Texas (even hotter than Maryland).

[Mad Anthony]

I can totally sympathize.
I have hideous cellulite, but I wear shorts in the summer because it gets effing hot in Texas (even hotter than Maryland).

TMI

[Harri]

I can totally sympathize.
I have hideous cellulite, but I wear shorts in the summer because it gets effing hot in Texas (even hotter than Maryland).

NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION

[GoDM1N]

I can totally sympathize.
I have hideous cellulite, but I wear shorts in the summer because it gets effing hot in Texas (even hotter than Maryland).

TMI

Says Anthony...........

[Techercizer]

I just stay somewhere with AC at all times.

[GoDM1N]

In NC we have a saying, "If you don't like the heat, STFU"

[Rustic Apple]

You Silly Billies and your hot weather. It's always comfortable where I am 'cause I'm so cool.